Sadness With A Side of Hope

Ya know, I am just really sad right now. Mark was upstairs with me earlier and just paced back and forth beside the couch I'm sitting on telling me point blank, "I don't like you." over and over again. What do you do when your child tells you that? What do you say? "I don't like you either?" That's what I feel like saying when he says that. Instead I say things like, "I'm sorry you don't like me, Mark." or "I love you, anyway." Inside, I'm going off! I'm holding him by the shirt collar (if he was wearing a collar) saying, "Don't you even wonder where you might be if we had never adopted you? Aren't you even a bit thankful that we took you out of that group home and brought you home with us, got a special room prepared for you and put you in the best school we could find? We've done everything we could possibly think of to help you and show you we love you and what do we get in return? Ungratefulness. Complaining. False accusations. Hate. Will you one day wake up and realize the sacrifices we've made for you? We didn't adopt you for the Brownie points or a pat on the back, but a little gratitude would be nice someday. Instead, you don't like me. I try to help you and you say I'm harassing you and you're going to call the police. This is not what I had hoped for 9 years ago when we grafted you into our family. What I see now makes me feel ill because it is so sad and feels so hopeless. But I do have hope because I believe in God and I believe nothing is impossible with Him. I believe in miracles. I know that there is no situation too big and no heart too hard for God to penetrate and shine His light. And that is all I have to hold onto, Mark. I am scared for your future, but I release you into God's hands and know He can take better care of you than I can. I pray that someday your eyes will be opened and your heart will be healed and you'll be able to love and to feel emotion and to let people into your life. There are a lot of people who love and care about you and we aren't giving up on you."

Happy New Year (to me)

So I turned 35 yesterday. 35. 35. Really? 35??? I don't feel as grown-up as I sound. Yes, I've been married for 12 years. Yes, I have 4 children. Yes, I have made 4 major moves (even across the ocean) since I graduated high school. Maybe I really am 35. For some reason the sound of 35 is years older than 34.

This birthday felt like a big one for me. It's not just another year like any other birthday. It's a 5 birthday. Those 0's and 5's are big ones, you know. And my next 0 is the big 4-0 (yikes!). haha! I really am entering a new chapter in my life. I'm done having babies (sniff sniff). I'm even done nursing (as of the day before my birthday). No longer will I be growing or feeding any mini humans. Now it's time to raise this beautiful family God has gifted us with. I love just looking at them and smiling, remembering the days when I used to wonder what my family would look like when I grew up. And now I'm looking at their sweet faces and they're mine! Such treasures they are.

Seeing as how this birthday felt like New Years Eve to me, I thought I should make some resolutions:

1) Lose 36 pounds by my 36th birthday. This will require actually getting out of the house and exercising from time to time, so I realize this is a big goal, but I'm gonna go for it. I used some of my birthday money (funny how at 35 bday money is still a thrill) to buy a heart rate monitor to help motivate me to burn some calories!

2) Let the creative juices flow. Yes, I am a creative person. I didn't used to believe this since I can't draw or paint to save my life, but I do love to create and make things, to touch beautiful fabrics, soft yarns and sticky Mod-Podge. I feel like I never have time to spend on hobbies anymore, but I must find a way! My husband did buy me a new sewing machine for my birthday, so this is definitely a step in the right direction.

3) Start a business. Just what we need around here, right? Another business? Well, my husband isn't the only entrepreneur in this family. I really do want to start a business that works with my life as a mom and a wife. Ideally, it will have something to do with resolution #2.

Well, there are several other areas of life I could make resolutions in, but I don't want get carried away to the point where I won't be able to achieve any or all of these things. I'm going to start with these three things and see how we do. So here we are, 35. I'm excited to see how we have shaped up a year from now.

"We can only be said to be ALIVE in those moments when our HEARTS are CONSCIOUS of our TREASURES". - Thorton Wilder

Funky Foods

One thing I am loving about living in Hawaii is the endless array of new foods to enjoy. Dragonfruit, starfruit, rambutan, lychee, longan, lilikoi and the list goes on.



I try to eat as healthy as we can afford to and it really helps when good food like this grows on trees where we can get it for free! Or, like last night, when sweet friends bring some to share. This photo on the left is of longan (pronounced like long-gone). I don't know what family of fruits this falls under, but it reminds me very much of lychee and rambutan, which is pictured on the right.



Who would ever guess that such things were edible? Both of these fruits have a hard outer shell and a soft fruit inside with a pit. This photo below is of the inside of a longan fruit.


To compare it to any other food I'm familiar with, I'd say it's most like a grape on the inside. Someday when we own our own home (hopefully in Hawaii, but who knows), I look forward to planting as many fruit-bearing trees as possible. I've never had much of a green thumb, but if I can't learn in Hawaii I don't know where I ever would!

The Great Unknown

It's way past my bedtime, but I just have this *thing* I can't explain and I need to write. I've been doing really well with our recent direction change here (no longer pursuing Camp Hawaii with Jenny & Sully). I don't know if I'm having a weak moment or if the reality of this transition is sinking in at deeper levels, but it feels scary and wild and free all at once. I guess I could say it feels like I'm riding a bike without training wheels for the first time; just that feeling of sudden speed and freedom and being almost-but-not-quite out of control. And then realizing, "This is either going to end in a graceful stop or an ugly crash!"

The future is so hidden right now. I don't need to know it all, but usually we have somewhat of a plan to refer to as we make decisions, you know. All I know right now is that we are going to Cali for a month very soon. When we return, we have just a few weeks left in our lease here in Kapaau. What then? I can't see deciding to move out of the area at that point as Alex and Mark would still be in school. I catch myself daydreaming and wondering about what it would be like to move to Waimea or Kona or even off of the island. I don't think I really mind if we stay and I don't mind if we go. It's great here and it could be great in other places as well.

Peter has spent hours on the phone with Albie lately, just talking about what's gone on here and what the future could look like. Of course Albie tells a lot of great stories, some that we've heard more times than we can count and a few that are new. We are so thankful for him and his investment in our lives. What an honor to be loved by the "Littlest Angel." Ha! And tomorrow Pastor Eric & Peggy are coming to see us, friends from the Mammoth area. They've been tracking with us since our days back at Father's Heart Ranch in the desert. I'm excited to hang out with them and can already anticipate the comfort of just being with people who are familiar to us, like a little piece of home right here in Hawaii.

I am so looking forward to seeing what God does with this whole situation and where He takes us next, I am wishing there was a fast forward button on our life just so I could take a sneak peek! I have a love/hate relationship with surprises. Gifts and surprises are great, but the anticipation of such a great unknown just about drives me crazy!

Well, I really do need to get to bed. Strangely I have been sleeping better for the past few nights than I have in a couple of months. My familiar struggle with insomnia returned at three months postpartum. But it really hasn't been an issue for the past 3-4 nights. I think it's the molasses I've been putting in my oatmeal. That's another story, but I'm not kidding!

Backpacks

Yet again, I haven't blogged in a while. Of course the usual reason is lack of time, which is true. But I've also been dealing with some deep stuff in many areas. I haven't known quite what to say about it all yet. One such area actually has to do with a very heavy backpack. This little girl somewhat resembles me as a child, so I chose her image to illustrate this blog entry. I know how she feels because I, too, have carried a heavy backpack. Somehow I don't even know when I put it on or when it became so heavy. Even so, it weighed me down more than I realized. The sad part is that it didn't just weigh me down, but my family as well.

I recently had my eyes opened to the fact that I've been carrying around a backpack full of offenses. It's crazy how those things can start out so small and end up larger than life, to the point where life itself is difficult to enjoy. Having lived in snow country, I have seen the snowball effect first-hand. Lots of little snowflakes can eventually lead to something as devastating as an avalanche, wiping out everything in it's path.

I would have to say I've felt heavy for many years. My husband has, over the course of our 12+ years together, shared with me that I sometimes bring a certain degree of weight into the atmosphere of our home. And you know I'm not talking about the stubborn baby weight that clings to my motherly self. I'm talking about the spirit of our home. It's not fun news to hear, but I have come to see it as my own personal inconvenient truth. Alex recently confirmed this upon my return from a trip to California when he said, "Mom, we have more fun when you're gone." Ouch. Honest words from a 6-year-old cut straight to the heart. A first reaction is to become angry over such a hurtful statement, but in this situation I was granted the grace to be able to take it in and receive his raw feelings as an exhortation. Mom, you need to figure out how to lighten your load because you're not fun to be around.

So I have taken a step in this direction. I have removed the proverbial backpack and set it at the feet of Jesus. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." He never intended for us to carry so much weight. And I never intended to weigh down my own family as I have. So now begins the process of learning to keep that excess baggage off of my back and outside of our home. I hope you don't mind my frankness here, but the reason why I started this blog was so that I could have a place to process life in written form. If you want to join me, you're welcome to. If not, I certainly will not be offended!

Rug #1

Okay, here is a photo of the first rug. The red one is still drying and I don't know where I'm going to put it yet.

337 Strikes Again

The above photo is what Aaron did to himself in the car while waiting for the following story to unfold...

Many who know me have heard me say that 337 is my "God number." I didn't choose it, but it's just a number that has appeared in many strange ways and situations over the past 15 years or so. I've begun to notice it as God's way of marking something and saying, "Hey, pay attention to this..." or "Hey, watch what I'm going to do here..." or "Hey, pray about this...". (Okay, maybe God doesn't say "hey" that much, but you get my point.) You know, like the time our motor home broke down--yet again--and I went to get a burger while Peter sulked outside and my order number was #337. I just knew God was in the middle of our RV trauma and doing something about it. Sure enough, we went outside and fired the motor home right up and sailed away. No problemo.

Well today was a good one. For months after we moved here I combed over Craigslist ads daily looking for furniture deals. Once we purchased the furniture we currently have I got tired of it and stopped searching. Okay, so we ran out of money. That just to say, I have not been on Craigslist in a long time. Today I got the random urge to sell something on Craigslist. Once my listing was posted, I decided to take a minute and do a couple of searches. Bunk beds. Floor gym. Area rug. Bingo!

A listing came up for a 5' x 8' red wool area rug in Hawi (basically my town) for $100. I noticed the phone number which ended in 8337. Dingdingdingdingding. My curiosity had me calling the number immediately. Sonora was her name. She seemed very mellow and was open to me coming over right away to look at her rug. Peter jumped in the car with me and we drove 5 minutes down the road to Sonora's house. We introduced ourselves and she noticed Alyma and we talked kid talk for a couple of minutes. I found out that she has SEVEN children, two of which are adopted. They moved here two days ago from Seattle and don't know anyone in the area. She's my age. Her house is stinkin' cute and looks like she's lived there forever. I wonder how it is that she is more unpacked and organized in her house she's been in for 2 days with 7 children than I am after 7 months and half the children.

She shows us her rug and I like it. She comments that she has another one. And then another. We decide to buy two of them. Yeah!!!! The longer we talk, the lower her price gets and we end up with two rugs for $200. She asks me if we happen to know a guy named Oliver. We know Olivier (pronounced oh-live-ee-ay, French), a friend of ours who lives on our street. Turns out they have mutual friends. I suspect she is a Christian, so I ask her and she is. We find out that we have mutual friends who went to Vanguard University, our alma mater. She used to live in Costa Mesa. So did we. Suddenly we are all very excited at our "small world" experience and that our rug purchase led us to meet some new friends!

We have planned to go to Kapaa Beach Park for a BBQ with them and Olivier and his family soon. Sonora is excited that they have so quickly been able to meet other young Christian families in the area. Now you can't tell me that this was a "coincidence." This has 337 written all over it! ;) And I just thought of something else. Only yesterday I found out that Olivier's name is spelled like it is. I never knew it was spelled so similarly to Oliver. Had I not learned this yesterday, I never would have thought about our friends, Mia & Olivier, when Sonora said "Oliver."

Anyway, it's just so fun. I love how God works things together like this. We're looking forward to getting to know our new friends and OH! We stopped by Mia and Olivier's house on our way home to let them know about our encounter with Sonora. Olivier, who happens to own a carpet cleaning business, saw that we had two rugs rolled up in our truck and offered to clean them for us for free! And it's a good thing because one of them was FULL of dust like you would not believe. He cleaned both rugs very well and sanitized them for us. All ready for baby now! And I PRAY they cut down on the echo factor in our house!

The End

The Shrink's Couch

I haven't blogged in a while because I have so little time for such things anymore. If anyone saw the condition of my house right now, they would see why. But my kids are fed and some of them are even clothed and most are happy. So I give myself a pat on the back for the things I DO accomplish which are, hopefully, the most important things.

I just went downstairs with Alyma and plopped myself down in the recliner hoping to vent to Peter. Unfortunately he's "at work" right now and not able to hear all that I would like to say. He did listen as long as he could, at least until the phone required his attention. I feel like I need some time on a shrink's couch with a large box of Kleenex.

So, I turn to blogging-while-nursing instead. (Is there ever a time in a mother's day when multi-tasking is NOT required???) Here comes my brain dump. I'm frustrated with my teenage son who finds strange pleasure in pretending he doesn't hear me when asked to do something or, if he does acknowledge hearing me, simply refuses to budge. It doesn't matter if it's a minor request or a major one, he just doesn't see the need to do what he's asked to do. He's "not into that whole subordination thing", to use his words.

Today it was a minor request while at the public health nurse's office for his TB test. "Mark, please go back into the restroom with that paper towel you have stuck to your face or wait in the car until that newly popped zit stops bleeding." "Mom, I didn't pop a zit. I have a cut on my face." "Oh really, so you just went into the bathroom and got a cut on your face, huh?" "Yes, I got a cut on my face. I didn't pop a zit." "Whatever, just please come back when you don't have paper towel hanging from your face."

No movement. I ask 5 more times. Nothing. People are staring. I'm embarrassed. He doesn't care. We get the TB test and walk outside. "Mark, please come here." He keeps walking. "Mark, I know you heard me, you're standing right next to me." "Huh? What? Huh?" Keeps walking.

Is this what happens when you take over raising a child who was partially raised (in the most formative years) by a mentally-challenged mother? Or is this just plain teenagerness?

I want to buy the boys a bunk bed so Alyma can use her crib. I found the perfect one on Craigslist today, including mattresses, for $500. I want one with a queen bed on the bottom so that we don't have any kiddos falling off the top onto our hard floor and breaking bones. Better to land on a mattress and bounce than the wood floor and, well, not bounce. This bed I found has a full on the top and a queen on the bottom. We could use it for guests to sleep on and I could move Aaron out of his crib so Alyma could finally use her pretty crib set. But we don't have the money. Unless I want to dip into our meager travel savings.

Which leads me to my next tangent. As of now, we stand to lose $2200.00/month of income beginning in January. Our plan is to take the entire family to California for Christmas and we have about half of the money for airfare saved up so far. The rental car situation is another story and something we yet to have an answer for. I can't imagine NOT going to California for Christmas. Alex's already-broken heart would be crushed if he could not be with his cousins and see his grandparents and other loved ones after being away for a whole year. I don't even want to think about Christmas morning in Hawaii with warm weather and no family around. Maybe someday we will enjoy this, but I'm not quite there yet.

How can we justify spending so much money to go to California when we will turn around and possibly not have enough money to pay our rent? I seems like a lose-lose situation. Either we stay here and be sad or we go and be broke. I'm leaning towards broke at the moment. Of course, to show some sign of faith, God has always been faithful to provide for our family even when it didn't seem possible. So I must confess that I do trust Him, even with these difficult issues, and know that He has a plan. Somehow I am still stuck worrying about tomorrow.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 "So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. 28 "And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! 31 "So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. 32 Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, 33 and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. 34 "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

A Child is Born

Our Alyma Joy was born on May 15th at 10:20 a.m. after 4 hours of labor. Well, at least 4 hours of labor that ended in giving birth. I was in and out of early labor for a week prior to her actual delivery. But still, 4 hours is quite fast considering Alex's birth was 21 hours and Aaron's was about 9 hours. Alex was born at 38 weeks and weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. Aaron was born at 8 days late weighing 6 lbs. 13 oz. And Alyma was born at 38 weeks, 2 days weighing 7 lbs. 8 oz. I guessed she would weigh in between her brothers and I was right! We also guessed she would be born on May 15th--either we are prophetic or she is already a very obedient child. :) So nice of her to come a bit early and relieve me of my misery!

Okay, so I thought I would write out Alyma's birth story before I forget it. The night before she was born I had been having some occasional contractions and they were quite strong. I had been to the dr. earlier that day and I was only at 1 cm and 50% effaced. I could tell these strong contractions were doing something and kept expecting my water to break under the pressure!

At 4 a.m. I woke up as I had for several days prior. I rolled over and felt a slight gush of liquid and said, "Peter! Wake up! Something is coming out of me!" Haha... He jumped up and grabbed a towel and told me that he couldn't see anything but a clear wet spot on our sheets. We just looked at each other like, "Okay, this is it! Here we go!" Considering Peter had a cold and I wasn't having any contractions, he tried to go back to sleep. I began scurrying about cleaning the house and packing a few final things for the hospital. Peter ended up not being able to sleep and joined me for breakfast while we watched a beautiful sunrise. Actually, we watched the sunrise while our oatmeal cooked and by the time it was ready, I said, "We'd better have breakfast in the car, I'm starting to get contractions."

So we woke Sean up and told him we were leaving for the hospital at about 5:40 a.m. We took the "long way" to Waimea along the coast rather than over the bumpy, windy mountain pass. It's only 10 minutes longer and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the bumps and contractions at the same time. It was a really gorgeous drive considering the time of day and the way the sun was coming up. I began having regular contractions about 3-5 minutes apart on the way to the hospital. This was a relief because I was afraid that I would have to get induced if I didn't go into labor on my own.

We walked into the ER at 6:20 a.m. to register and then made our way to the Family Birthing Center. I got checked in and they put me on the monitor to get a 20-minute strip of the contractions and the baby's heart rate. The nurse commented, "Now that is a heartbeat you could dance to!" I was feeling really good and the contractions were definitely strong but manageable. I was told all the birthing rooms were full and we'd have to wait for a bit to be moved into another room.

During our short wait, things really began to pick up in the contraction department. I'd say by 7:00 a.m. I was beginning to really feel the pain. The nurse moved me down the hall into a delivery room. I was sad to pass up the "ilima room" - I thought it would be so cool to give birth in the room with her Hawaiian name! Oh well... So by the time I met my new nurse and got into the birthing room I could not sit still for them to put me on the monitor. Everytime I had a contraction I could feel the weight of the baby moving down very intensely. I never felt that much pain or strength of contractions with the boys. When they checked me and told me I was only dilated 2-3 centimeters, I told the nurses I was not going to be able to cope with that much pain for very long and wanted to know my options for dealing with it. I was told they could try calling an anesthesiologist to see if one might be available to come in and do an epidural, but that it was unlikely that it would happen because my labor would probably move quickly. Instead, the midwife suggested I go sit on a birth ball in the shower and try to relax.

I spent a great deal of my labor with Alex on a birth ball and also in the shower and I remember it helping immensely. So I decided to go ahead with this plan and try to relax. No luck. I found myself holding onto the railings in the shower for dear life everytime I felt a contraction building and was telling Peter to go get me drugs!!! Unfortunately, since my water had already broken, getting in the hot tub wasn't an option for me. I had really looked forward to trying that out! After 5-6 contractions in the shower I got out and back onto the bed, literally feeling like I was being tortured alive and clawing at my husband as the contractions became so close together, it seemed like I never got a break. At one point I was told "no biting." Haha! I think I was about to put Peter's hand in my mouth. :) The poor guy, he's lucky he has hands left after how tightly I hung onto him for those few hours!

Just before I thought I was going to lose my mind altogether, the nurse came in and offered to give me and IV and a narcotic. I gladly accepted, although trying to get an IV in a moving target took a couple of attempts. While one nurse put in an IV, another drew blood from my other arm to get a platelet count "just in case" I might be able to get an epidural eventually. I was relieved to feel the narcotic take effect. I was able to relax a little more and feel like I got a minute or two of respite between the still-spiking and terribly painful contractions. While I would have rather been numb, the break helped me cope a bit better. I still couldn't believe how intensely I could feel the baby moving down with each contraction. Maybe it was more intense because this was the first time my water had broken before labor? Whatever the case, probably just before 10 a.m., I reached down after a contraction and felt the baby's head. Remember, the last time I had been checked I was only between 2-3 centimeters and the baby was "hovering" high. Peter told the nurse I felt a head and she ran in. Sure enough, it was time to push!

The midwife came in and turned on the baby warmer and got all the delivery paraphernalia out. This is where a midwife delivery here in Hawaii was so different from my California doctor deliveries. They didn't break down the bed, put me on my back, cover me in blue paper and start barking numbers at me, telling me when to breathe and when not to breathe. They put Peter at the end of the bed and gave him a rolled up towel to hold. I held the other end and, whenever I had a contraction, I pulled on that towel as hard as I could and pushed the baby down at the same time. I was just sitting up on the bed, not in stirrups or anything like "normal." Pulling on that towel really helped me focus on pushing. It was the first time I ever experienced the urge to push in a delivery and it really did feel better to push than to just ride out the contraction.

Things began to get easier at this point as the contractions slowed down to being 5-6 minutes apart rather than one on top of the other. From the time I started pushing, I'd guess I had 4-5 contractions before the baby was out. Peter said the decibel level in the room was never so high as it was when she was beginning to slide out. Ha! It was VERY intense, but I knew that as soon as I got beyond that point, I could be DONE! Once her head was being delivered (and they announced her head of black hair!!!), they told me to open my eyes and look at the baby. I was shocked at her hair and how dark purple and flat-nosed she was. I really thought she looked like a black baby! Then they had me reach down and grab her under her arms as she was being born. I delivered her from there and layed her on my chest. I was dripping in sweat from the workout of my life, but so happy to experience holding my baby immediately after delivery. Both boys had been whisked away at birth to have their meconium-filled lungs suctioned out, so I didn't get to hold them right away.

At this point, the midwife and the nurse began to get really nervous because I was hemorrhaging. The midwife said, "Sorry, I have to do this," and then proceeded to shove her fist up into my uterus--no joke--up to her elbow! I also got a shot of pitocin and some other drug to help stop the bleeding. Peter did say I was gushing blood, but at that point I didn't really care...I was just glad to have the baby out and know that I never EVER had to go through childbirth again! It is a good thing that Alyma was our last child because, had that been my first childbirth experience, I probably wouldn't have had anymore children!

I must say I was shocked by the "hard and fast" delivery of our daugther. The pain was incredible, however it was nice to have it over within a few hours! I have a lot to be thankful for. For one, she came early! I was living in a miserable state there at the end of the pregnancy, so to have her come early was a great blessing. Secondly, the fact that my water broke before my labor began allowed us to leave for the hospital and make the 40-minute drive before my contractions got to the unbearable point. With as quick as things went, I could have had her in the car had I waited too long! And lastly, I had a healthy baby girl with no complications, tearing, or need for a c-section. She really is perfect and our family is now complete!

The Birth Plan

Last Thursday I had my (now) weekly check-up at the Waimea Women's Center. This center is actually a wing of the hospital where I am going to give birth soon. I have been seeing a couple of different midwives since we arrived here in January, all of whom are part of this women's center. There are two midwives who actually do the deliveries and I will only ever see a doctor if there is a problem that requires one. I must say, it has been quite a refreshing change going the midwife route. I dread doctor's appointments and hospital stays as it is, so feeling like my pregnancy care is a little less "medical" is great for me.

On Thursday I did what I have done during my past two pregnancies. I took in a copy of my two-page birth plan stating everything I either absolutely DO or DO NOT want while I am giving birth to my child. In California, it literally did take two pages to make all of my requests known. Even then, I still felt like I had to fight to have things "just so" or to avoid things I'm not into like the antibiotic eye drops or immunizations at birth. I did have one nurse, while I was in labor with Alex, who let me go without an IV. But, when the nurses changed shifts, I had to get the IV anyway. I'm telling you, having an IV has been the worst part of labor for me! It makes me feel like I can't move or ever get as comfortable as I need to be to get through childbirth naturally. The hours I labored with Alex were AWESOME as long as I didn't have that thing in my arm. Later getting that horrible heplock was the most painful part of my birth experience.

So, I presented my birth plan to the midwife on Thursday. She pretty much went through it with a pen and crossed most everything out. No one here does episiotomies. No one here will vaccinate your baby unless you sign a request for it. You don't have to have an IV. You are expected to be up and moving, going to the hot tub, the shower, etc. and are not restricted to your bed. They do not drape you or "break the bed" down when it's time to deliver. You may deliver the baby in whatever position you feel is best at the time, or even deliver the baby yourself. You will not be told how or when to push; no one will be counting either. There is no nursery, so 24/7 rooming-in is the only option. And on she went. I must have been sitting there with my mouth hanging wide open in shock! Here I have fought for even a few of these "rights" as a birthing mother in California and still never got it all. I'm telling you, Hawaii is the place to have a baby! At least the way I like to do it. I'm very excited to experience such freedom in the "family birthing unit" when the times comes (hopefully sooner than later!). I have heard nothing but raving reports about women's experience there, so I'm stoked!

Day by (Miserable) Day

Once again it has been a while since I blogged. I just haven't had anything new to say. The only thing that has really changed recently is that Sean & Bobbi Jo have been living with us now for 3 weeks. They might as well be angels. The quote "many hands make light work" has come true in our home. More hands to help with the cooking and cleaning has been a huge blessing. Not to mention the fact that Sean & Bobbi have more energy than Peter & I have right now and are an incredible help with the boys. Now we just have to figure out how to keep them. I fear that the next 4+ weeks that they have left with us will go by all too fast. Considering their visa issues, we don't know how or when we will see them again anytime soon in the U.S.

As for me, I am officially beyond miserable. The day Alyma Joy arrives will be a glorious day for many reasons. For one, I can't wait to see her face and find out what color her hair is! I also can't wait to start dressing her in some of the cute clothes she has hanging up in the closet so far. For two, I will be delivered from my miseries in more ways than one. Of course every pregnant woman is uncomfortable in the last month or so. I am very good at growing a larger-than-your-average-large belly and I have done it yet again. Who isn't ready to give birth by the end of 9 months??? Now add to the discomfort the following: sciatica, trips to the bathroom every 15-30 minutes around the clock, crazy allergies and extreme sleep deprivation. I mean, really now. A woman in my state can only handle so much at once. I feel overwhelmed at this point. Even though this goes completely against my feelings about induction, I just might take a merciful doctor up on his offer to help me get this baby out ASAP should such an offer be made. Number three is supposed to slide out like a wet fish, right??? :)

Well, I feel a nap coming on. Even though I probably won't be able to actually sleep, I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. Please pray that this baby comes very, very soon!

Easter in Hawaii

Easter brings up a lot of sentimental feelings for me of Easter holidays gone by. Matching Easter dresses with Julie and Breann, warm weather, coloring eggs, later hunting and eating the eggs, going to church, enjoying the fresh spring weather and signs of new life after winter.

The five Easters we spent in Mammoth were sad for me. I just couldn't get past the fact that there was snow on the ground where there should be daffodils! Peter didn't grow up with the Easter traditions that I did, so it was just two Easters ago that I convinced the Johnston side of the family that we could all enjoy coloring eggs together and not become total heathens (haha, ok --mostly kidding). We had an egg hunt for the cousins and Alex still remembers it!

Well, we didn't have the cousins this year but we didn't have snow either. Alex & I colored eggs yesterday only to be joined later by our friends Jenny, Sean & Bobbi Jo. They each gave me a funny look when I asked if they wanted to decorate eggs with us, but after doing one themselves they saw how fun it is and got into it! We had a little hunt for the boys today and they had a blast, even if it was short and not well-attended. :) We also had beautiful weather and hunted eggs in our very own backyard full of green GRASS! What a concept!

I'm already dreaming up Alyma Joy's Easter dress for next year...I can't wait!

The Honor System

Okay, so it's been way too long since I last posted. I've come to discover that whenever I have time to do something other than take care of kids, cook or clean, I have a host of other things I "should" do or really want to do. I've been wanting to write about this honor system thing for a while now, though, so here goes...

As I've been writing this blog in part to talk about how life is different in Hawaii as compared to the mainland, the honor system is definitely something I've been encountering frequently here on the island. There seems to be a higher degree of trust and honor among people than I recall seeing back in California. For example, Alex had his spring school pictures taken last week. The school sent home the usual school picture packet telling us what to expect, how to best prepare our child and how to choose from their selection of poses. Payment was not required. They took the photos and will send a full package home with Alex. If we like them, we choose the photos we wish to keep and send the rest back with a check. So we only pay for the ones we keep and they trust us to send the rest back??? And to pay at all? I've never heard of such a thing, have you???

Down the road a bit there is a produce stand. They mostly sell macadamia nuts, but you never know what you might find. I've never seen anyone there watching over the stand, they simply put out a jar and ask that you kindly pay for whatever you take. One of these days I'm going to give them some business just to experience the high degree of trust they put in me, a total stranger.

A couple of weeks ago I finally stopped by the local consignment store at a time when their door was open (which, I now know, is only on Wednesday afternoons). I walked in to find a small store full of interesting finds and no one in it. I spent at least 20 minutes in there before a woman walked in. She just smiled at me, came in and picked something up and was about to walk out when I asked, "Do you work here? How do I pay for what I want?" She said, "Oh, if you find something you want, just walk over to As Hawi Turns and you can pay one of us there." As Hawi Turns is a little shop geared towards the tourists right on the highway. I had my hands full of little things I planned to purchase like a $3 wetsuit for Aaron and some decor items. I could have easily carried it all straight to my car and driven away. I wonder if they ever would have noticed the missing items. I did walk down to the storefront and paid my $30 as I could not have lived with the guilt had I simply walked off with it all! They might have never known, but I would have. It makes me wonder about others, though. Is everyone around here really that honest?

These are just a few "honor system" examples that I've encountered in our nearly three months here. I think it's so interesting and actually very cool!

Winter and Laundry

After living in Mammoth for 6 winters, the term "winter" came to mean cold and snow and way too much time spent indoors. When January rolled around and we arrived here in Hawaii, I laughed at the fact that it was "winter" yet I got up each day and picked out a tank top and a pair of capris and was comfortable from sunrise to sunset. We even managed to spend several days at the beach and began to get some color on our winter-white flesh. This was my kind of winter.

Then came February. I have noticed a real change in the weather from when we first arrived. Now I get up and pick out a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans or long pants. Slippers are still my daily choice for footwear (or flip-flops, as they are known by you mainlanders), but there are times in the evenings when I trade in my slippers for socks! I don't remember the last time we had a clear, sunny day. The wind howls, the rain pours, the sky is gray, my skin is once again pale. This is a Hawaiian winter.

One challenge winter has brought to me is in the laundry department! I was very content to buy a second-hand washing machine and no dryer, happy to line-dry my clothes in the breeze. I ordered a nice umbrella-style clothesline to put in the backyard in full view of the sun where the clothes would dry nicely in a few hours. It's been sitting in the garage for two weeks. I also purchased two indoor drying racks which sit in our bedroom and it takes both of them to hang one load of laundry to dry, not to mention about 24 hours of drying time! I have one small line outside under the carport where I can hang sheets and larger items when I need to. Needless to say, drying laundry in a Hawaiian winter is a challenge! Did I mention that I use cloth diapers??? Yeah, those take a LONG time to dry!

I must say, though, that I am not complaining and would still take a Hawaiian winter over a Sierra Nevada winter any day!

Emotions

I haven't had much time to blog lately, or at least to actually sit down and type it out and post it. I have an ongoing blog in my head and some things I've wanted to write about, but tonight I can only cry. Twice today I have been caught by surprise tears. Alright, so I'm pregnant and I don't sleep more than 3 hours a night...but still...

First it was the dolphins, which I didn't even get a decent photo of because my camera died after taking the photo BEFORE we saw the dolphins. Of course. I don't know what it is about those animals, but I have loved them since the 4th grade when I wrote my first research paper on bottlenose dolphins. I recall once seeing them in the ocean, but not really clearly. I knew there were dolphins at The Hilton today and we were even looking for them, but when suddenly they were right in front of me the tears just came out without warning! They were so beautiful. The dolphins, that is. Peter laughed and said, "Wow Jen, I didn't know you loved dolphins so much!" Ha!

Tonight it was the photo of Aaron. I took a few pictures of the marker mess he made this evening and, after I put the boys to bed, I uploaded them to my computer. I saw this one photo and noted Aaron's cute little cheeks and just something about his sweet baby face and the tears turned on again! Then I really got myself going because I imagined Aaron going off to college and me looking back at this photo and trying to remember what he was like when he was 20 months old, but not being able to. Suddenly I wanted to freeze time and keep my little boys just as they are forever!!!

I so enjoy the things my boys do and say. Like after our lunch at the Macaroni Grill in Waikoloa today, I sat outside the restaurant with the boys while Peter paid the bill. We sat around a fountain and Alex pulled a few pennies up from the bottom and asked me what they were in there for. I told him people made wishes and threw them in there. So he decided to try it out, making his three wishes out loud. Here's what they were:

1) I want batteries for my Leapster.
2) I want my baby brother to have his very own train.
3) I want Alyma Joy to come out!

I was so touched by his selfless wishes! He wanted only batteries for himself, and batteries he will get!

Darn Good Chocolate Cake

Okay, so I am making one right now and thought I would share the simple secret recipe:

Ingredients:
1 box devil's food cake mix
1 small box chocolate pudding mix
1 cup sour cream
4 eggs
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup water
for later: most of a pkg. of semi-sheet choc chips

Healthy substitute: INSTEAD of 1/2 cup oil, I substitute 3/4 cup flaxseed meal and 1/4 cup oil. I haven't noticed any difference in the taste or texture and it relieves a little of the guilt in eating it...it's HEALTHY! Gotta have my omega 3's ya know...

Combine all ingredients EXCEPT choc chips. Blend for 3 minutes with a mixer (time it, cuz 3 minutes it a lot longer than you think when you're just standing there mixing). Stir in choc chips. Spray a bundt pan with oil and pour the cake mixture into the pan. Bake for about 50-55 minutes at 350 degrees. Take out of the oven and let sit for at least 20 minutes (mine takes longer to cool because it's a heavy bundt pan). Set a plate over the top and then flip it and serve immediately. I like to sprinkle the top with powdered sugar and served with whipped cream.

Here's a Hawaiian word to describe this cake: "ono" means "delicious" or "scrumptious!"

Another Day, Another Move

Today our lease at the new house began. After only two hours of sleep, I got up and took Alex to school and then drove--with Aaron in tow--to Waimea to pick up the keys to the house and pay the rent for this month. I also went to look at a chair I had found on craigslist and bought it! So yeah! We have a chair! The only piece of furniture we own that we can sit on, other than our beds. :) This is a really bad photo of the chair here, I pulled it off of craigslist, but for $100.00 I thought it was a great find!

We've had quite a running list of things to buy since we moved here and we are beginning to see items being checked off our list.

1) Washing Machine - Since our friends moving into our first house have their own washing machine, we suggested to the landlord that we buy their washing machine. So, it looks like that's what we're doing. It's not the brand new washer and dryer set I would have run out and put on a credit card because we NEEDED IT, as I may have done at another time in my life...BUT, it gets our clothes clean and it's less than a year old and is only costing us $150.00! So we won't have a dryer, but I haven't had one since we moved here and have lived to tell about it, so a clothes line it is.

2) Wind Chimes!!! Haha... It may sound funny, but this was way up there on my "needs" list! I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear the constant chiming in the breeze here. Peter & I both have grown to love hearing the chimes at our first house and didn't want to give that up, ESPECIALLY considering the fact that we are moving next to a rooster farm! So, for Valentine's Day Peter went out and bought me a very nice set of Mongolian Mezzo chimes. Now I fear I am becoming a wind chime snob because these sound AMAZING compared to the clanging cheap chimes that were hanging on our house when we arrived. It is worth it to pay for nice ones! The first time someone came over after we hung the new chimes they commented immediately on the great sound. See?

3) A Bundt Pan - It may seem like a petty need or want, but let me tell you, without a bundt pan I cannot make my Darn Good Chocolate Cake, and without my Darn Good Chocolate Cake when I really want it, well... let's just say I really needed a bundt pan. I threw my 10-year-old Pampered Chef pan away when we moved because it was peeling and nasty looking. I could have easily picked up a bundt pan at WalMart when we were in Kona, but for some reason I wanted it to have more of a story than that. So, one Saturday morning when we were at the local farmer's market, an astrologer had a booth set up and she approached me. She told me I was going to have a girl and she would have dark hair, and she KNEW because she did this "all the time." Haha... Okay, lady. Nevermind your "prophecy," sell me your amazing top-quality star-shaped bundt pan! And so she did, for 50 cents. And my Darn Good Chocolate Cake never looked better!

So, other than the items I mentioned above, we haven't purchased or otherwise inherited much "stuff." In addition to the washing machine, we are also buying a double futon-like bed and a small blue dresser from the owners of our first house. It looks like we may be having some friends come to live with us for a couple of months, so we thought they could use the bed and, when they're done, we'll put it in the outdoor play room for the boys. And the dresser will go in the boys' bedroom. Oh, and I am also buying this butterfly vase I had to have because of my current butterfly fetish. So I got the double bed, dresser, butterfly vase and a ton of hangers from our first house all for $100.00. Not bad.

Dang, I am RAMBLING like crazy tonight, aren't I? If anyone is still reading this, I would wonder why. Well, if I have anything else to add about this move, I would have to say it is definitely being done "aloha style." We are taking our time, enjoying the process and not letting ourselves get all stressed out about it. It's great!

I made it 36 days...

...without crying once. Without feeling homesick. Without wondering what the heck we're doing over here. Without regretting putting our children through this big move. Without feeling so very, very far away. Without looking up the going rate on current plane tickets "home" and then growing discouraged at the expense of the journey.

Tomorrow will be better...

Sad

Talk about sad! I went in the boys' room a bit ago to ask Aaron to quiet his singing down and let Alex sleep, only to find Alex laying in bed crying. :( He was very difficult today after getting home from school, so I was wondering what was going on. He said, "Mommy, I'm crying in my bed." I asked him why and he said, "I miss my friends, Ethan and Faith and Emily and Zachary and Joshua and my old class." I just layed in bed with him and he cried and said he wanted to go back to Mammoth to see everyone. I felt so terrible. That's the first time he has had any kind of sad emotion since we arrived here. I don't know if something at school triggered it and made him want to go back, or if missing everyone was what made him so grouchy today. Either way, he said he wants to talk to his cousins tomorrow, ALL of them. That sure made me want to book a flight for him. He has a 4-day weekend, ya know???

It's Our 1-Month Anniversary!

It's hard to believe, but we have already been in Hawaii for a whole month! In a strange way it feels like it's been longer than that, but in other ways it feels like we just got here! We've really been easing into life in Hawaii. We know the time will come for being more a part of the social circle here, but for now we are enjoying a time of, what I would call, hiddenness. Even our little house is hidden as it is unseen from the road to any who pass by. Other than Jenny & Sully, we haven't been to anyone's home and we haven't had anyone over. Okay, I have been to the home of a woman where I attend a weekly Bible study. And she and her husband did stop by once. But other than that, it's been pure family time.

At least until today! Almost as if to commemorate our one-month anniversary here, I had my first friend over. She came by with her 5-month-old son to check out our house and is considering renting it when we move out. We were able to easily connect as mommies with small children and I really enjoyed her company. I actually met her when we were here visiting the area last August. She came to a gathering of Jenny & Sully's friends as a French interpreter for a Haitian man. She was due to have her baby at the time and I hoped I would see her again when we moved here. Sure enough, I was surprised to run into her at the first women's meeting I attended! So anyway, it was just nice to have someone over and begin a new friendship.

And tomorrow the fun continues. We met a young couple at Jenny & Sully's last weekend who invited us to a party at their home tomorrow. Alex is very excited because they have a 5-year-old son he is eager to play with again. They live on several acres outside of town and have quite the shindig planned! At 4:30 they are serving turkey burgers to the kids and have some kind of adventure planned for them. Then at 6:00ish we will have a potluck for the grown-ups (I'm told the children will be taken care of?). They asked Peter to bring his guitar to play some music around the campfire later in the evening. So this should be fun and will give us an opportunity to meet even more people in our little Hawaiian town.


Our New House

I have a feeling that our "season of hiddenness" may end quickly when we move out of this house into our new house, which is located within walking distance to the homes of several families we know. I think I will be ready to have people stopping by to hang out by then. Although I don't know what we will have our friends sit on as we still don't have any furniture! Ha ha... I'm beginning to realize that our new dwelling will be no secret as everyone seems to know "the two-story house on Union Mill Road." There's only one of those and that's where we'll be!

Cast your vote on how to spell the baby's name!

Alima Joy - (ah-LEE-mah); Hebrew & Arabic origin, means "powerful, strong, cultured, wise, knows dance & music."Used in Arabic & Hebrew speaking countries. (When we first chose this name 10 years ago it was because we found it meant "a heart that sings and dances" and Peter felt we were going to have a dancing daughter.)

Alyma Joy - (changing the i to y to match the y in Joy); same meanings as Alima.

Ilima Joy- (ee-LEE-mah); Hebrew & Hawaiian origin, means "flower." This refers to the flower of the o'ahu plant, which is related to the hibiscus. The blossoms are small and golden and woven into garlands. Used in Hawaiian speaking countries.

A Speck of Reality & the Kohala Cocoon

We have been residents of this beautiful Hawaiian island for 3 weeks as of today. Wow, it feels like so much longer in many ways! I love that I am sitting here in my capris and always-dirty bare feet comfortably listening to the crickets play their tunes outside...and I'm WARM! It's like a Redding summer night I loved as a kid, except that it gets darker much earlier here. :) I do love it here. Did I mention how much I love seeing my boys play outside everyday, in WINTER??? And to hear little knocks at the door followed by the sweet request, "Can Alex play?" Then, out the door goes Alex, with Aaron following close behind, to play with the neighbor boy.

Last night we went out for a fabulous sushi dinner at a well-hidden local restaurant. I heard the waiter say, "All the ingredients were grown here on the island..." to a table nearby and I was surprised by the moment of panic I felt! I can only liken it to hearing the pilot of the airplane interrupt my sleep by announcing how many thousands of feet up in the air we were. I had to stop and catch my breath! An island. I live on an island. Yes, that little speck in the big, big ocean. Not just on it, but on the very edge of it. If someone sneezes we might fall off that cliff we see just across the street and down the dirt road a bit.

It's so easy to forget in our daily life here that we're surrounded by the ocean on all sides. Sure, so I can see the ocean from just about anywhere in town. And if I drive an hour south, it's still there. Two hours east, it's still there. I realized I have already become so focused on our semi-glamorous life here along a 4-mile stretch of country highway that I forgot how small we really are on this big planet. For all I know, I'm a Who on a speck on a flower easily blown to pieces by the wind.

Aw, and now the rain begins pitter-pattering on our metal roof. I love, love, love it.

And then there's my husband who finds himself in what he calls the Kohala cocoon. Detached, disconnected, shut down, turned off. No, this isn't a new condition. He came here this way. Only now the distractions are gone and the cocoon has made it's presence clear. No longer is he a Worship Pastor, an Administrative Pastor, a business teacher AND owner, an entrepreneur, a dad and a husband requiring more hours in a week than he has. Gone is the office outside of the home and the church calling him away at night. The friends and family who hoped for bits of his time here and there are now held back by an ocean.

I am ecstatic to have my husband back and for the kids to have their dad back. We're together nearly all day, even if he's in the other room engrossed in his work on the computer. It's nice just having him around. But, as I've felt for quite some time, he's not the "him" I used to know. The light has burned out. Now is his time to recharge. (Wow, the rain is REALLY pounding down now!) I know, after some time to rest, my husband will break out of this Kohala cocoon and discover a whole new version of his old self. I'm excited to watch that happen. A little time in the waves here and tinkering on the guitar there is just what he needs. I have no idea how long this hibernation period of his will last, but I am very thankful we came to Hawaii when we did. This is just what our family needed.

Aloha from Hawaii!

Alright, so it's been quite a while since I last posted on this blog and this is the first time since we set foot on the island! For the first several days we didn't have Internet, so that was my first excuse. Then, after we finally got it hooked up, I had so much catching up to do I didn't have time to blog. Second excuse. My other two excuses are 1) tiredness and 2) allergies. For some reason we have been going to bed closer to 9 p.m. since we've been here than our usually 11ish p.m. The two-hour time difference would be the obvious explanation, but even some locals we've talked to say they just get tired here earlier and get up earlier. Maybe it has something to do with being more in tune with nature? Lastly, I have had pretty bad allergies since we arrived and they really seem to hit a peak in the evenings. So, if it's one of those evenings, the last thing I want to do with my itchy, tired eyes is look at the computer screen.

So, excuses aside, here we are! I realize we are still in what could be considered the "honeymoon phase" of our transition to the island, but so far we just love it! I take such delight in seeing my little boys get to play like little boys out in our yard, it's wonderful! I now understand why many Hawaiian children I've seen in the past were either dirty or barely clothed. It really is a futile effort to get them dressed in any kind of outfit I would have put on them on the mainland on a normal day. In five minutes they'll walk back in the house covered in mud or having sat in chicken poop or worse. Aaron often runs around in only a onesie, a diaper, or nothing at all! Alex goes for swim trunks and his slippers (aka flip-flops). Seeing as how we hang-dry our laundry here, I don't mind keeping the clothing more on the simple side!

Alex is doing great at his new school. He is the only haole (white boy) in his class, but doesn't seem to mind. We take him to school in the morning and he rides the bus home. We have our first parent-teacher conference next week, so it will be nice to hear more about how he's doing. And of course Alex LOVES going to the beach. The last time we went it was just he and I, and he got out there in the waves in his floating swimsuit and was really getting into it! He was so excited and loud it was almost embarrassing, ha ha! He was learning how to get out in the water a ways and then let a wave carry him back in to shore. Of course I can't just relax with a book on the beach, I have my eyes on him every moment, but I enjoy watching him love life so much!

Aaron really seems to miss Alex when he's at school, but looks forward to the time of day when we walk out to the street and watching for the bus to bring Alex home. I am so glad they have each other, they play so well together now. They are sharing a room and usually wake up at the same early hour. We can hear them lay in there giggling from across the hall until Alex gets Aaron out of his pack 'n play. Next we hear the pitter-patter of their feet on the wood floor and soon I see a little face next to mine at the side of the bed and hear, "Hi Mommy!" And in our bed they climb and snuggle in between us. Thank goodness we have the king-sized bed!

When we take Aaron to the beach we really have to be on our toes. That child continues to demonstrate a determination to take on life without fear. I wish you could hear how hard he laughs when the waves toss him off his feet. He was not afraid of those waves for one second before he charged straight into the water! He loves life and he loves to make us laugh any way he can. We are amazed at his humorous facial expressions and acts he does purely for our entertainment. He has a LOT of personality to go along with his extra strong will!

Mark has begun his 2nd semester at Mammoth High and says he's glad he decided to stay, but is eager to get over here too! I can tell he's bored with Mammoth and ready for a change. We have skyped with him a couple of times now and the boys got to see him last night for the first time. It's odd not having him around, but we know he'll be here soon. We're thinking about registering him at the public school here now, which we didn't think we would consider. After being in the area and meeting some families with boys Mark's age, it is an option we are talking about with Mark. We'll see what we decide over the summer.

So we have applied to rent a larger home on Union Mill Road, which is just up the street from Jenny & Sully's land. The house seems very out of place in that it is the only two-story house on the street. We thought our two-story days were over when we left Mammoth! Jenny commented that this house seems like it was transplanted from Mammoth to Hawaii because it's just not your typical Hawaiian home. It's very open and spacious inside, which we like. It will have plenty of room for our 4 children, business office and also visitors. We hesitate to move so quickly as we are enjoying our month-to-month rental. It is perfect for our current family of 4. The yard is great and so are the neighbors, so we hate to leave it. We just know that by the time the new baby arrives and Mark and visiting family, this place will get small real fast!

Well, there is much more I could say about our new life here, but this is enough for now. I'm fading fast as it's actually 11:05 p.m. and way past my bedtime! I went to a women's Bible study tonight and got home a little later than usual. But I will write more soon and try to keep up on this blog as time allows. I hope all is well with you mainlanders!