Backpacks

Yet again, I haven't blogged in a while. Of course the usual reason is lack of time, which is true. But I've also been dealing with some deep stuff in many areas. I haven't known quite what to say about it all yet. One such area actually has to do with a very heavy backpack. This little girl somewhat resembles me as a child, so I chose her image to illustrate this blog entry. I know how she feels because I, too, have carried a heavy backpack. Somehow I don't even know when I put it on or when it became so heavy. Even so, it weighed me down more than I realized. The sad part is that it didn't just weigh me down, but my family as well.

I recently had my eyes opened to the fact that I've been carrying around a backpack full of offenses. It's crazy how those things can start out so small and end up larger than life, to the point where life itself is difficult to enjoy. Having lived in snow country, I have seen the snowball effect first-hand. Lots of little snowflakes can eventually lead to something as devastating as an avalanche, wiping out everything in it's path.

I would have to say I've felt heavy for many years. My husband has, over the course of our 12+ years together, shared with me that I sometimes bring a certain degree of weight into the atmosphere of our home. And you know I'm not talking about the stubborn baby weight that clings to my motherly self. I'm talking about the spirit of our home. It's not fun news to hear, but I have come to see it as my own personal inconvenient truth. Alex recently confirmed this upon my return from a trip to California when he said, "Mom, we have more fun when you're gone." Ouch. Honest words from a 6-year-old cut straight to the heart. A first reaction is to become angry over such a hurtful statement, but in this situation I was granted the grace to be able to take it in and receive his raw feelings as an exhortation. Mom, you need to figure out how to lighten your load because you're not fun to be around.

So I have taken a step in this direction. I have removed the proverbial backpack and set it at the feet of Jesus. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." He never intended for us to carry so much weight. And I never intended to weigh down my own family as I have. So now begins the process of learning to keep that excess baggage off of my back and outside of our home. I hope you don't mind my frankness here, but the reason why I started this blog was so that I could have a place to process life in written form. If you want to join me, you're welcome to. If not, I certainly will not be offended!